Conflict Busters

He loves me; he loves me not…
It’s taken me a long time to get my head around the fact that sometimes even a lot of love isn’t enough to make a relationship work. You can love someone dearly, but still attack them, disrespect them, verbally abuse them, and withdraw from them.
At the time of indulging in these behaviours, you believe there’s ample justification for your demeanour, fuelled by the intense emotions of anger, frustration, jealousy or fear. And you know, you may even be right in feeling what you’re feeling. After all, your emotions belong to you; your perception of the situation is your reality. So you must be right, right?

Who’s right?
Thanks to my interest in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, I’ve just about given up on the concept of right and wrong. Even if you’re dead right, it’s highly unlikely that your partner is dead wrong. There are always two truths at play: a dance between the two people who disagree. And sadly, by demanding to be right, you may be dancing your relationship straight to its death.

The Damage Done
The sad thing is how easy it is to make someone you love feel really bad about themselves. The question is simply why. Why would you want to do that?
Sure you’ll kiss and make up when the emotions subside. This time. But what’s not taken into account when your inner wisdom gets overruled by strong feelings, is the damage done to the relationship. In the wake of conflict, you feel just that little less valuable as someone who is worth loving, just that little less safe in your commitment; respect goes out the window; and trust gradually falls away.

How to Manage Conflict
1. Deal with it
Conflict in itself doesn’t have to be a negative factor in a relationship. It’s about how conflict is dealt with that is the problem. Attacking your partner isn’t very helpful; neither is running away from it or sweeping it under the carpet in the hope that it will magically disappear. It won’t. The only way to deal with conflict is to talk about it maturely and rationally and calmly until some form of agreement can be reached – even if it’s ultimately agreeing to disagree.

2. The three R's
Conflict between couples progresses from resistance to resentment to rejection. The earlier you address issues you feel resistance to, the greater are your chances to resolve the conflict without it turning nasty. If it’s already at the stages of resentment and rejection, commit to doing whatever is necessary to work it out. Read self-help books separately and together. Get counselling if necessary. Most importantly, keep the doors to communication open. Ignoring your partner is incredibly hurtful: It says: ‘You’re not worth talking to.’

3. Don't be mean
In the heat of battle, ditch the name-calling and sarcasm. It may give you the upper-hand in the short-term, but you pay a high price in damage done to the relationship. If these behaviours persist, the harm done can become irreversible.

4. Stay in the here and now
Focus on the problem that’s relevant here and now. Of course you’ll be able to draw on issues from the past to make your case stronger. But you’re not in a court of law. You’re trying to work out an issue in the present moment with someone you love. Treat them like you care about them – even if you’re angry!

5. Take time-out
If emotions get the better of either of you, take time out, but do it in a way that makes both of you feel secure that you’ll return and work it through. Tell your partner if you need an hour to cry or reflect or calm down and that you’d like to return after that period to talk more. You’ll know the issue is done and dusted when both of you feel a sense of peace in letting it go. If you don’t have a feeling of concord, you can bet your bottom dollar that it will raise its head again…and again…and again. This will happen until it’s resolved or the relationship falls apart.

6. Ask the right Questions
Step back and contemplate what is really going on. Often the actual issue is not what you thought it was in the first instance. The conflict may have been initiated over your partner spending too much time at work, but the true concern for you may be that you’re feeling isolated and lonely. What outcome do you want? If what you want is more togetherness, fighting is not the best way to get it.

7. Determine Needs
Ask your partner what they need and ask for what you need. It doesn’t matter how well you know each other, you don’t always know what is happening for the other person. If you need space, say so. If you need closeness, discuss that with your partner.

8. Use your Brain
Ask yourself what the intelligent way is to deal with a specific situation. You will find that it’s usually exactly the opposite of what your habitual response to conflict is. If you tend to attack when you get angry, back off. If you usually withdraw, you need to override that urge and reach out to your partner.

9. Validate
Apologising is helpful, but even more important is validating your partner’s experience. If you can put yourself in their shoes and see the situation from their perspective, it will go a long way to making them feel heard. You could say, ‘I understand it’s hard for you when I ….’ Remember, you don’t have to agree with someone to validate their experience. Your perception of the situation may be quite different, but it’s a sign of emotional intelligence to find merit in two contradictory viewpoints.

10. Accept apologies
Always, always, always accept an apology. If your partner offers one and you reject it, it makes them feel rebuffed and helpless.

11. Take responsibility
Understand that you can only control what is within your power to control. You can’t regulate your partner’s thoughts, feelings or actions. You can only take responsibility for how you’re dealing with the situation and whether you’re improving it or making it worse.

12. Never threaten to Leave
If your relationship is meaningful to you, don’t ever threaten to leave. When you do, the message is that you doubt your commitment to the relationship; even worse, that you doubt your love for the person you’re with. There’s nothing more hurtful than that.

13. Don't Give Up
Don’t give up. If there’s love, there’s hope.