Channel Surfing Led to Spiritual Journey

For the past 6 years I have been on a spiritual journey. It started because of the click of a remote.

I had always been the "faithful" one in Church and its teachings. It never occurred to me that some things could be wrong or exaggerated. At the same time, I did wonder why people did not seem to be living in "victory." Why wasn't I living in "victory?" What is living in "victory" anyway?

My fear of losing my salvation never allowed me to really pursue answers. There seemed to always be a condition I had not met. If I didn't tithe, then the answer was clear, I was cursed by God. If I wasn't well, then there had to be some sin that was running ramport in my life. When I lost everything clearly it was rebellion.

One Saturday night, or rather middle of the the night, I was surfing for something that would hold my interest. I worked odd hours so it was not unusual for me to be up at two or four in the morning. This night, I found Debbie Ford.

I did not know her name or really what show she was on, except that it was on a channel that only came on at certain hours on the public access channel. It was Wisdom TV, which is now gone from the air.

Anyway, that night I heard her telling her story of the drugs, and how she was frustrated with some of her traits. The thing that got me was when she gave an example of being born as a castle, each room representing some trait, such as love or hate, anger or peace, etc. She said we close the rooms off that others find unacceptable or that we find unacceptable. By doing so, in the end we see ourselves as a two bedroom house needing repairs.

She went on to say that what we don't deal with, will constantly keep showing up in our lives. Then she posed the question, can you not be loving, but also at times mean?

Not in my world, was my first thought. In my world you had to be perfect. Everything had to be right. If you were angry then you were out of line. Who cared if someone did something to you? You were just supposed to forgive them and keep giving them the opportunity to keep hurting you. Stupid, but true.

I read her book, The Dark Side of the Light Chaser, more out of desperation then anything else. There was a level of frustration in me that I was not used to. Not a frustration with life, but with the fraud I was living and seeing. People who would bless me in Christ name, while they were on their way to have an affair with some parishioner. Or, people claiming God said or did something that any reasonable person would know was not true, but they were praised.

I was of the group that people wanted to stay away from. I was a realist. If I was sick, then I said so. Oh, but then you were supposed to quote Scriptures and affirmations, not the truth.

It became even clearer that something was wrong when I started practicing some of the things in Debbie Ford's book, and I got better emotionally. That frustration seemed to leave me. There was rarely an angry outburst, and I was willing to be known more intimately.

My church leader went bonkers and told me I was to burn Ford's books, repent, and never listen to her again. That is where my true journey began.

Would God expect me to stay miserable because someone did not claim to know Jesus Christ as Saviour?

More importantly, if I had cancer would I care who helped me get better? My gut reaction was that my Church was wrong, but my years worth of loyalty teachings and twisted teachings had my stomach in a knot. I even developed an ulcer.

The problem was that I was no longer willing to be the submissive woman living out my life in misery. A choice had to be made.

My choice was to hide it from the Church. In the meantime, I read other people like Cheryl Richardson and Caroline Myss. All had pieces that I was missing or weak in. Sure, there was some stuff that I did not agree with and I laid it aside with ease. There was no fear of God sending me to hell in retribution.

The funny thing is that I became closer to God in the midst of my journey. I found out He was not my problem, but people who were afraid of the world were.

I felt like I had become alive for the first time. Things that I always wanted to do, but was afraid of began to come out, like writing. It was even great to take up Tennis, which I always wanted to do, but felt that I could not.

There were "counseling" sessions at the Church until I made the decision to leave. I found out not all churches think only Christians can help people.

It has not been an easy journey, but one of which I would not change for the world. The night that I surfed for something to watch led me on a path that has helped me to find myself.