But Does That Person Really Want Your Help?

We naturally want to help those who are close to us. If someone you care about is suffering, you'd like to see the person's situation improve. We all know someone close to us who at some time is depressed, addicted, or in serious pain. But before offering what you might consider help, it's first important to ask: Does the person really want my help or advice?

The person might be experiencing self-pity or martyr energy, or both, as we have discussed in a recent newsletter (see http://www.gettingthru.org/sn0307.htm). Also, the suffering may have to do with a core issue. It may take some inner exploration and time to reveal the profound life lessons involved.

QUESTIONS TO ASK

To find out how open a person is for help, here is a series of four questions to ask:

1. What do you want?
2. How willing are you to have it (or change)?
3. What's stopping you?
4. Would you like some help?

After you ask each question, listen very carefully to the response. Read the person's body language. Listen to the tone of voice. The answer may indicate a flat-out no: the person is not open for help.
Also, it may be more subtle.

The person might say a seemingly receptive response, such as "of course I want to feel better, but..." or "maybe that's a good idea at some point." Don't let your enthusiasm for helping the person blind you to the true meaning of the response: the person is not ready for help.

You can certainly support and be there for the person through his/her suffering. It's the person's life, and as you know, the choice to get help can't be forced on him or her. This can be tough to accept -- and a powerful lesson for yourself as well.

If the person sincerely does want help, you could suggest a variety of resources: EFT/Spiritual Kinesiology/Energy Healing (see http://www.gettingthru.org), seek out a health practitioner, find resources such as classes or books, and consider ways to have a more holistic, balanced lifestyle.

As a note, if it seems the person does want help, instead of rushing in with a suggestion, you might want to frame your input as a question. Instead of "Why don't you see someone who can help you," try "Would you consider seeing a health practitioner or energy healer?"

You might want to be low-key in your approach, so as not to overwhelm the person. Keep in mind, the person may have already tried certain things without success, which can make him/her wary of trying something else.

IF THE PERSON ISN'T READY FOR HELP

If you've asked the questions above and listened carefully to the answers, you might have found out that the person isn't really ready to change. Perhaps you intuitively knew that already. Sometimes our nurturing, feminine side gets blinded and needs some reality checks.

Accepting someone close to you who is suffering from depression, an addiction, or disease is one of life's greatest challenges. So you may want to do some healing on yourself. You don't want to incapacitate yourself by feeling helpless in the situation.

You may want to find those who can support you. And as for the other person, you can always send him/her love and do what you feel guided to do in the situation. It may not be "help" in the active sense, but it can provide ways to ease the person's suffering.

It can be difficult to accept that people need to want help in order to receive it. The good news is that learning this truth develops our ability to be compassionate and results in considerable personal/spiritual growth.