So you spotted someone you'd really like to know.

Maybe you're in bar. Maybe you're at the gym or Laundromat. Perhaps someone you see from work. Or maybe, even, you're out socially.

So, now you've got to do something scary, and unpredictable. Create a conversation that could launch a great opportunity. But, with just one wrong word, it could end in disaster. Regardless, you have to make a move, or lose.

What do you talk about? Should you tell them about your childhood, your therapist, your plans for the future. What if you can't think of a great opening line

Most people have a very short list of opening lines that characterize you as someone they would like to learn more about. With most people it's basically just flailing blindly at the wind, hoping by chance that something will "connect".

You would not speak to an audience of 200 with inadequate material and little preparation. Think about the fact that an audience of 200 is a group of individuals. Then why would speak to each individual you encounter less prepared than if they were in a large audience.

What's the professional way of attracting new people. Getting their attention and drawing them to you?

You need to have a planned outcome in mind. You must know DEFINITELY what works and what doesn't. Never leave the outcome to chance or to fate

Now there are many levels of conversation. This particular article thinks about the conversational TOPICS to explore when wooing a potential client, or a romantic interest. Those topics which will almost GUARANTEE increased interpersonal attraction.

WHAT exactly do you talk about?

FIRST people frequently err by talking TOO MUCH. They often monopolize conversations, droning on and on about topics that bore their audience to tears. They think they're "impressing" when, in reality, they're "depressing" their audience.

Just because a person acts interested doesn't mean they are. They might just be polite while silently wishing that the conversation would hurry up and end.

Never monopolize the conversation. LISTEN to what they have to say. Remember, everyone is incorrigibly interested in what they have to say. They will talk to you about themselves for as long as you will listen.

. Focus all your attention trying to imagine what they are feeling as they speak. This process is not natural and requires effort and concentration. Why are their feelings important? Because people act on their feelings, not their logic.

Now while listening pay particular attention to any "seeds" or "clues" inadvertently disclosed identifying topics of special interest.


AN EXAMPLE CONVERSATION ( This sample conversation may seem a bit simplistic. It is merely a guideline to follow in a chance meeting)

Alvin: Is this your first time to attend this function? Lucy: Actually this is my first time here. Just moved here from Florida.
Alvin: Oh. I attend every opportunity I get
Alvin: remains clueless.

Lucy disclosed a clue to follow up. It's almost as if she's testing him to see if he has the intelligence or social skills to capitalize on what she revealed. Alvin fails because he was too focused on himself and what he might want to say.

So what would be the "right" thing to say?

Well... she mentions that this is her first time at this function and she just moved here from Florida. Bob could have properly "watered the seeds" by asking

(a) How does she like the speaker, or the host, etc?

(b) What brought her here from Florida?

(c) How long has she been in the local area?

(d) Where in Florida is she from?

(e) How long was she there?

(f) What's it like there?

Lucy's two short sentences gave Bob a conversation clue. But Bob's concern about himself overshadowed everything she said. Now you see why you must take yourself out of the picture as much as possible and take a measure of the other person. Do this, and fate will take care of the rest.

To sustain the conversation you will have to tell her a little about yourself. Otherwise it will seem like an inquisition. Also your strategy is to tell your audience that "you are very much alike." Focusing on topics you have in common. Of course if you didn't listen carefully you won't have a clue what those common interest might be.

You do this by making "me-too" comments as your audience identifies topics or hobbies or attributes in common. Even common problems are a rich source of conversation. In fact people draw closer when sharing the solution to a common problem.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE of the process.

Lucy: I really miss Miami.
Alvin: I can imagine. I spent two weeks in Miami last summer. I loved it. Even thought about moving there myself.

A good talk/listen ratio would be around 40/60 or 30/70. You want to spend around 30 or 40 percent of the time talking, and about 60 to 70 percent of the time listening. And you should spend as much of that 30 to 40 percent as possible in the "me-too zone."

Think about it this way...

Let's assume you just went to dinner with a person you like very much. But you monopolized the conversation bragging on yourself. Any hope for a second meeting is very dim.

On the other hand, imagine you'd spent the entire two hours together sitting there, listening, and asking questions. They will go away thinking how smart you are for recognizing that they are a special person. At least that is how you made them feel because you gave them you full attention.

You haven't told them too much about yourself. What they do know is that you don't monopolize the conversation and you're a good listener. And they like that about you.

Now imagine you'd spent 60 to 70 percent of the date listening (really listening and asking questions), and about 30 to 40 percent of the time telling her about yourself. Specifically, telling about yourself in a way that makes the two of you seem very similar.

The leave thinking what a wonderful conversationalist you are. You didn't monopolize the conversation. You didn't bore them with details of your job, your childhood, or the health of your colon.

People always like others who are similar to themselves. By being similar to me, you essentially validate my perceptions of the world. I will see you as clever, intelligent, charming, and likeable... because you are like me.

(It's true that opposites do SOMETIMES attract. But only under certain situations. On the other hand, similar personalities almost always attract. You should always go for the similarity angle during the first part of a relationship. You'll can reveal to your "unique" qualities later.)

And don't worry or feel cheated because you don't get to talk about the things you want to talk about. If you play your cards right during the first conversation , you'll have plenty future opportunities to increase their respect for your intelligence and personality.

Author's Bio: 

The preceding ideas and processes are somewhat simplistic. They do offer a starting point for developing effective conversation skills.

Oscar Bruce's book WINNING WORDS WINNING WAYS Is the only publication of it's type (to my knowledge ) in that it shows you exactly what to say for managing any Circumstance you encounter. Also specific ways and words to initiate conversation with anybody. Most books suggest what you "ought to do" but do out offer specifically what to say and how to say it.

WINNING WORDS WINNING WAYS will change the way You look at the world and how the world looks at you.


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