Any negativity that others (who we perceived as older and wiser than ourselves) led us to believe about ourselves can be quite debilitating to our growth and self-esteem when we are young. But, remaining stuck in these beliefs can be even worse.

Are you, or anyone you know, still pointing to dysfunction from your childhood as the main culprit for your problems and the struggles you have today? Do you still believe that you are not worthy of love from yourself or others? Do you hear yourself complaining to yourself or out loud that “if only he (or she) would have paid more attention to me, I’d be happier”, or, “I take after my dad, that’s why I can’t get my act together or control my temper”, or “I take after my mom, that’s why I’ve never been able to stand up for myself”, etc… When we are young and vulnerable, we easily absorb and adopt the opinions of others about ourselves and our lives.

Whether we’ve been labeled as lazy, incompetent, a spend thrift, or scatter brained, these were other peoples perceptions based on their own fears that really had nothing to do with us! Yet, we believed them, and many people still act out these roles as adults, sometimes without even realizing it. However, as adults, we can choose, through awareness and taking personal responsibility, to no longer be the subjects of someone else’s insecurities. We can decide who we are and who we want to be and choose to be that!

It is often easier to stay in “victim mode” and blame others or society for making our lives miserable, or remain in a situation we know is not right for us simply because it is familiar and within our comfort zone. When we perceive others as being wrong, it keeps us in pain because we are so attached to how their actions make us feel bad and we don’t have to take responsibility for ourselves! It is only when we can detach ourselves from the perceived thoughts and actions of others and take full responsibility for ourselves that we can finally find the peace and happiness we deserve.

Our life is ultimately what WE choose it to be. In my life coaching practice, I am frequently helping clients turn blame into personal responsibility by seeing that in reality everyone grew up with some dysfunction and that it is actually an important part of our growth! By accepting the humanness of others, we can use these past experiences to make our current life more valuable and recognize that there is no need to carry these past wounds into the present. Healing occurs in the present, not the past.

When I ask my client, “What would love do?” it changes their perspective from one of holding on to a grievance or hated role for fear of taking responsibility, to forgiveness of self and others. They can then explore their “shadow” selves and recognize lovingly how this perceived negativity has served them, allowing them to come to respect the gifts they were given through these old beliefs.

For example, if we weren’t conditioned by others to be people pleasers, how would we learn the lesson of setting boundaries and speaking our truth? If we never knew what it felt like to be mistreated by others, how would we know forgiveness? If we had never been a victim, how would we come to know true compassion for others? If we never believed other peoples ideas about our worthiness, what reason would we have to seek out the real truth about ourselves? What is your story? Fill in the blanks, “If I never___________, how would I __________________?” When we choose to take responsibility for who we are and who we choose to be, we move into a position of power and we can become constructive in creating positive change and a happier life.

Author's Bio: 

Debra has been coaching and transforming clients for three years. Her Spirit, Mind, Body approach keeps the whole person in mind and offers a spiritual edge leading clients to awaken their power within to create their best life. Her busisness, Amazing Journey Personal and Transformational Coaching Services, has the motto "Grow your dreams and create your best life through a well body, strong mind and revived spirit."