Abusive Behavior Part 4

How an abuser can become accountable to friends and family – Most important is that both parties achieve “Emotional Maturity” in their adult life. This one giant step may be the magic pill that you have needed all your life.
CHARACTERISTICS OF EMOTIONAL MATURITY
1. The Ability to Give and Receive Love
Emotional maturity fosters a sense of security which permits vulnerability. A mature person can show his vulnerability by expressing love and accepting expressions of love from those who love him. An immature person is unduly concerned with signs of "weakness" and has difficulty showing and accepting love. The egocentricity of immaturity will allow the acceptance of love, but fails to recognize the needs of others to receive love. They'll take it, but they won't give it.
2. The Ability to Face Reality and Deal with it
The immature avoid facing reality. Overdue bills, interpersonal problems, indeed any difficulties which demand character and integrity are avoided and even denied by the immature. Mature people eagerly face reality knowing the quickest way to solve a problem is to deal with it promptly. A person's level of maturity can be directly related to the degree to which they face their problems, or avoid their problems. Mature people confront their problems, immature people avoid their problems.
3. Just as Interested in Giving as Receiving
A mature person's sense of personal security permits him to consider the needs of others and give from his personal resources, whether money, time, or effort, to enhance the quality of life of those he loves. They are also able to allow others to give to them. Balance and maturity go hand in hand. Immaturity is indicated by being willing to give, but unwilling to receive; or willing to receive, but unwilling to give.
4. The Capacity to Relate Positively to Life Experiences
A mature person views life experiences as learning experiences and when they are positive he enjoys and revels in life. When they are negative he accepts personal responsibility and is confident he can learn from them to improve his life. When things do not go well he looks for an opportunity to succeed. The immature person curses the rain while a mature person sells umbrellas.
5. The Ability to Learn from Experience
The ability to face reality and to relate positively to life experiences derive from the ability to learn from experience. Immature people do not learn from experience, whether the experience is positive or negative. They act as if there is no relationship between how they act and the consequences that occur to them. They view good or bad experiences as being caused by luck, or fate. They do not accept personal responsibility.
6. The Ability to Accept Frustration
When things don't go as anticipated the immature person stamps his feet, holds his breath, and bemoans his fate. The mature person considers using another approach or going another direction and moves on with his life.
7. The Ability to Handle Hostility Constructively
When frustrated, the immature person looks for someone to blame. The mature person looks for a solution. Immature people attack people; mature people attack problems. The mature person uses his anger as an energy source and, when frustrated, redoubles his efforts to find solutions to his problems.
Relative Freedom from Tension Symptoms
Immature people feel unloved, avoid reality, .are pessimistic about life, get angry easily, attack the people closest to them when frustrated --- no wonder they are constantly anxious. The mature person's mature approach to live imbues him with a relaxed confidence in his ability to get what he wants from life.
CHARACTERISTICS OF EMOTIONAL MATURITY was written by Dr. Jerome Murray,(10) and there is more personal development material at his web site: http://www.betteryou.com/

You may need professional help to find you’re “Emotional Maturity”. Overcome your fear and seek out help. Counseling, anger management groups, psychologist, etc. may be your only way of breaking the cycle and maturing to the age of happiness. Yes, it may be too late for your past relationships but it is not too late for your future relationship. One other very important point, if you succeed in finding your “Emotional Maturity” there have been cases where the ex partner is willing to try again. So it is a win, win for you for the past or for the future relationship.

The abuser can break the cycle: Acknowledged to those you have abused that you did abuse them and you were wrong. The Twelve Steps programs above all admit they have done wrong and they need support. You must acknowledge you have been abusive in order to start to break the cycle. This step in my opinion is the step that separates the coward from the hero. It takes a brave person to admit they have caused pain and suffering. It takes a very brave person that admits they need help and are willing to get it.
Admit that your behavior was not appropriate regardless of what the other individual has done. (Because someone does something wrong intentionally (or maybe just your perception) or by error never justifies that you now have the right to abuse someone. (A wrong can NEVER be justified by another wrong.)
Accept responsibility for your actions and all those times you have abused those you love.
In summary
The abused “End of the Line Idiom:” I want to end this article with some knowledge I have gained by your candid answers and the advice you gave me with your answers to questions 20, 21 and 22. I found no size fits all. There is no magic bullet (no pun intended). There are no easy answers. Yes, some can change and stop abusing. I don’t believe they can change without help. Others cannot or will not. And here is the dilemma; we don’t know which one will change and which will not. If I had to choose (and I’m thankful I don’t) I would pick the one who realizes they have the problem. Admits it and not only seeks help but continues with the help until both of you agree they can stop.
If they refuse I would leave.
You have told me that you have allowed yourself to be abused for various reasons from fear to love--from lack of money to your children needing a parent--from poor self-image to all sorts of insecurities. You want the other person to stop! However from your answers I found no plans, templates, schemes or diagram schematics. I do find -- helplessness, blaming "them", not responsible for our lives, feeling overwhelmed, paralyzed by fear and confusion, damaged sense of self worth, and more.
A Victim No More: There is a miracle antidote: Because each of you has a different level of abuse no advice can be given to the direct solution to your problem. There is a fear that an abusive partner can become extremely violent. The first step to the miracle antidote is seeking out support. Someone trained in the field of counseling. Why do I feel that this is the miracle antidote? The counselor is not overwhelmed. They know where you can get support and shelter if needed. They can help you define the problems and work on the issues. You are not alone in this. You have support with experts who are trained in the area. Be A Victim No More!

The abuser, one last try: When you look at yourself in the mirror do you like the person who is looking back at you? I know that some of you have written me with reasons why you are who you are. I believe all of you. Most of your reasons are good reasons. What I’m asking you to do is to realize that was yesterday. Who are you going to be today? Who do you want to be deep down in you heart. When my wife died and left me to raise my two sons that were four years old and seven years old I was devastated. I was afraid to have one alcoholic drink for fear that I would never stop. I did not cry for I knew I would not be able to stop. My numbing down feelings that I would not, could not feel help me get through that period of time. Eventually (with much help) I got back to feeling again. My story of life knocks pales to some of the stories you have had to live with all your life. (Some starting from the time you were an infant.) So now what? You have this anger within you which is a rage that is ready to explode. You justify it by thinking the other person is wrong. The sad part is you may be correct. The driver in the other car cuts you off. So they are wrong. Now you are justified for being angry. But now the rage comes out. The police call it road rage where you chase the other driver and cut them off, get in front and jam on your brakes, yell, curse them and give them the finger. If you are really in the zone now you get them to pull over where you can beat them, stab them and if you have a gun, shoot them. After all, they were wrong. Is this not what you are doing with those that love you and are around you every day? Every time they are wrong, which by the way can be often, you are justified in getting angry and of course rage will soon follow. The rage you are holding inside may be mixed with some level of depression without you knowing it. It is difficult to live with pain all your life without some degree of depression setting in. Depression isn’t a defect in your moral character. But one of the signs of depression is the numbing of your feelings. You may not feel love, happiness. It stunts energy so at times you may feel exhausted. Some of the depressed symptoms you may blame on those around you, not realizing it is the depression that is bringing you down, not what is happening around you. If I have not convinced you to go to counseling, maybe I can convince you to attend a Support group. Support groups will let you attend and not talk for a while. You have an opportunity to see and hear other people sharing their stories of the past. You also get to hear (and it is imperative you hear this) the consequences they are now paying for their behaviors of all the yesterdays. It’s possible if you have the courage to watch others with problems similar to those you have had, if not worse, you may open up a little and share yours. Opening up to others is as if a surgeon lances a boil on your body and all that bad stuff flows out. (In your case it may be all the rage that has been stored up all your life). The good news is once you get it out it will not come back. Just keep the flowing of experiences and feelings oozing out. Once you feel comfortable in talking about life’s up and downs it becomes easier and easier. So once again I plead with you go to counseling and if you can’t or don’t want to then go to a Support group. The rewards are love. You will be able to give it and receive it. Well that’s the way it worked for me!

Abused help:
For women or men being abused:
Domestic Violence Anonymous WEBSITE: http://www.baylaw.org

For men being abused:
WEBSITE:http://batteredmenshelpline.org/
WEBSITE: http://www.groups.yahoo.com/group/abusedguys

When all else fails: If the abuser will not stop and you have no choice but to save yourself and children if any. If you do decide to end the abuse please research all your options first:
(2)For those who do not have the financial or family support resources to leave the situation help is available by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Many communities have shelters available for victims of domestic abuse, check the local yellow pages. If you want to talk to someone because you have just hurt someone, or you think you are about to hurt someone, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Personalized Safety Plan
Your safety is the most important thing. Listed below are tips to help keep you safe. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. If you are in an abusive relationship, think about...
1. Having important phone numbers nearby for you and your children. Numbers to have are the police, hotlines, friends and the local shelter.
2. Friends or neighbors you could tell about the abuse. Ask them to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have children, teach them how to dial 911. Make up a code word that you can use when you need help.
3. How to get out of your home safely. Practice ways to get out.
4. Safer places in your home where there are exits and no weapons. If you feel abuse is going to happen try to get your abuser to one of these safer places.
5. Any weapons in the house. Think about ways that you could get them out of the house.
6. Even if you do not plan to leave, think of where you could go. Think of how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the pet or going to the store. Put together a bag of things you use everyday (see the checklist below). Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
7. Going over your safety plan often.
If you consider leaving your abuser, think about...
1. Four places you could go if you leave your home.
2. People who might help you if you left. Think about people who will keep a bag for you. Think about people who might lend you money. Make plans for your pets.
3. Keeping change for phone calls or getting a cell phone.
4. Opening a bank account or getting a credit card in your name.
5. How you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the family pet, or going to the store. Practice how you would leave.
6. How you could take your children with you safely. There are times when taking your children with you may put all of your lives in danger. You need to protect yourself to be able to protect your children.
7. Putting together a bag of things you use everyday. Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
ITEMS TO TAKE, IF POSSIBLE
 Children (if it is safe)
 Money
 Keys to car, house, work
 Extra clothes
 Medicine
 Important papers for you and your children
 Birth certificates
 Social security cards
 School and medical records
 Bankbooks, credit cards
 Driver's license
 Car registration
 Welfare identification
 Passports, green cards, work permits
 Lease/rental agreement
 Mortgage payment book, unpaid bills
 Insurance papers
 PPO, divorce papers, custody orders
 Address book
 Pictures, jewelry, things that mean a lot to you
 Items for your children (toys, blankets, etc.)
8. Think about reviewing your safety plan often.
If you have left your abuser, think about...
1. Your safety - you still need to.
2. Getting a cell phone. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.
3. Getting a PPO from the court. Keep a copy with you all the time. Give a copy to the police, people who take care of your children, their schools and your boss.
4. Changing the locks. Consider putting in stronger doors, smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a security system and outside lights.
5. Telling friends and neighbors that your abuser no longer lives with you. Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home or children.
6. Telling people who take care of your children the names of people who are allowed to pick them up. If you have a PPO protecting your children, give their teachers and babysitters a copy of it.
7. Telling someone at work about what has happened. Ask that person to screen your calls. If you have a PPO that includes where you work, consider giving your boss a copy of it and a picture of the abuser. Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace. This should include going to and from work.
8. Not using the same stores or businesses that you did when you were with your abuser.
9. Someone that you can call if you feel down. Call that person if you are thinking about going to a support group or workshop.
10. Safe way to speak with your abuser if you must.
11. Going over your safety plan often.
This section on personalized safety planning adapted from the Metro Nashville Police Department's (2) personalized safety plan.

(1) Types of Abuses

(2) Personalized Safety Plan
Metro Nashville Police Department's

(3) Denial

(4) Family Shelter Service
605 E. Roosevelt Road
Wheaton, Illinois 60187

(5) Community Action Stops Abuse
P.O. Box 414
St. Petersburg, Florida 33731

(6) http://www.familyonwards.com “Domestic violence ... are you a victim?”

(7) http://topcondition.com/images/mymindfield/index.html

(8) Wayne L. Misner
Healthcare CIO
10 Wayne Court
Edison, NJ 08820

(9) http://parentswithoutpartners.org/vaKasper.htm

(10) Dr. Jerome Murray
http://www.betteryou.com/

(11) http://www.psychcentral.com/psypsych/wiki/Emotional_intelligence

Wayne L. Misner is owner of Healthcare CIO, a consultant company in New Jersey and author. (His book, “Men Don’t Listen” is a self help book for men but is absolutely a must read for women as well as men, and his book, “Men Cry Too” ISBN 0-595-40773-0 are poems and prose.) He has been in the healthcare field for forty years. In addition, he became the Vice President of Programs and Education for a NJ chapter of Parents Without Partners, where he moderated men and women’s groups across the state. For ten years, he had the opportunity to facilitate many groups of men and women who were struggling with not being able to listen. While at the Rehabilitation Hospital he also was a facilitator of the women’s group for both inpatients and outpatients.
Over all these years he has installed systems in Jersey Shore Medical Center (Meridian Health System), St. Elizabeth Hospital (Trinitas), and Morristown Medical Center (Atlantic Health System). In addition, he has directed the Information Systems Centers at Carrier Rehabilitation Hospital and Shore Memorial Hospital. As Vice President of the Princeton based NJ Hospital Association, Mr. Misner represented all the hospital members directing, “The Hospital Information System.” Email: MenDontListen@aol.com Web page: http://www.MenDontListen.com
copywrite 2005 Wayne Misner