As women it seems that we can hardly learn enough about ourselves personally or professionally. We spend our entire lives learning what we should do, what we should not do, what we should say or if we should actually have said what we have already said.

Most of us spend a lifetime unlearning what we have been taught both in our personal and professional life. And if we neglect the fact that we need to still learn in this area, we become disrespected and taken advantage of in our personal life and we learn that we so often contribute to sabotaging our career in our professional life. It seems that often times we simply can’t win until we are prepared to truly become more self-focused if we are people pleasers and soften our character immensely if we are “no nonsense” divas.

It is disheartening to know that although the women’s liberation period Was years ago, we are still unconsciously doing things to sabotage and discredit ourselves without even knowing it. The first sabotaging behavior is that only a few of us have caught on to the fact that the personality that we have learned to master at home may be the complete opposite of who we can afford to become at work. Only a select number us have learned that maybe we can afford to be nurturing, selfless and people pleasing at home with our family and friends but to carry that same mentality of selfless and “I can help anyone” persona
will rob you of both your self confidence, respect and overall opportunities at work. Our first goal is that we need to realize that the rules at home is very different from our rules at work. And to be the same person at both places can greatly sabotage your career. Secondly, as women we have to first learn that when it comes to our career, that we are in the midst of a
game. And that the entire mindset of understanding career politics is mere game playing. As women once we buy into the new notion that we are indeed in a game, we need to also buy into the concept that we can actually participate in playing the game, in a way that we can still honor our personal integrity. We often assume that career game playing means to rid yourself of your ethics and personal beliefs and to believe this myth can
greatly aid in personal self sabotage.

You define for yourself if you are willing to play the game and you also determine the strategy that you will use to play it. As women, too many of us, are still cringing at the whole idea that there is actually a game that is going on. I know that the
thought can be scary and unfamiliar, but isn’t it best to be aware than not aware? How can you have a chance at winning the career game if you don’t want to believe that a game is going on ? Our goal in this area should be to figure out the unsaid and unwritten rules of your company. And to beware of what your company values most. It is not uncommon for personal loyalty to carry more credibility than outstanding job performance. Sit back, look and listen. And you might be surprised that what is valued most in your company may be very different than personal productivity. Once you can start seeing your company at this deeper level of awareness you have began the process of effectively playing the game. Third, many women who have been blessed to have the company's credit card have the tendency to penny pinch the company's money. We act like we are budgeting our own paycheck. We respond like we have been assigned the role of the company’s treasurer instead of a trusted team member that has proven that they can be trusted. I am not suggesting that you become frivolous with the company money but I am saying that if the supervisor can trust you with the credit card why can’t you trust your own self with the company card ? A major career sabotage mistake that women are notorious for making is when they have not been told to ask to use the company card
but when they ask anyway just for the sake of asking. One of the worst mistakes any woman can make is when she ask to use the company credit card when she has been given the authority not to ask. As women we have been trained to ask. We want to overly prove that we can be loyal. We are so fearful of
making a mistake be it financial, social or emotional. Most of us just live in fear of rejection from any angle with anyone. Well, one thing that we neglect to really understand is that when you ask permission to use the credit card and they did not tell you to ask…every time you do ask it proves that you are uncomfortable with that level of authority. If you were not
uncomfortable then you would not have asked. And every time you ask it takes away more and more from your personal power. The best thing to do is to assume that if you over spend that they will eventually talk to you. But listen, them needing to talk with you can be a very good thing because if they find that there is a need to talk with you, at least they know that you are comfortable with that level of authority. As women…playing the game is effectively undoing what we have so religiously been taught. Our goal in this area should be not to second guess or try to re-prove ourselves when you have been given authority. If others believe in you, then by all means, believe in yourself! The fourth career mistake that women often make is not
understanding that the word “no” is truly a complete sentence.

All by itself without any other words added. First, many of us suffer from the fear of saying and effectively using the word “no” in fear that we will acquire the disapproval and dislike of those around us. As women we have this continual need to over explain our answer. We over explain why we can and
we use too many words in explaining why we cant. We use more words than what is needed and we also tend to us more words than what is desired from the person listening. We believe that people are listening when they truly are not. Lets face it, we have only a few seconds to get and then hold the attention of the listening party. In most cases we should cut down our answer 50-75% to receive the respect we deserve from others.

We truly have not began to understand that in most cases in the professional world, the more words you use the more likely it is that you are uncomfortable with what you are saying. And the more words you use, the less credibility and the less impact your answer will appear to those who are listening. The word “NO” is 100% more influential when it stands alone.

Our goal in this area is to understand that the less words we
use the more certain we seem in our answer and the more confident our message will come across to others. Finally I would like to close this article by reflecting on the common mistake of decorating your office like the family den. Many of us, like for our work space to be an extension of ourselves. There is no denying that many of us spend as much time at work
than we do at home. And many of us find it easier to work in a well decorated and tasteful space that reflects our own personal style and personality than one that shows no character at all. We do this for our own comfort and more often the comfort for the people entering our office. And I am not suggesting that we don’t put up family pictures of favorite pieces of our artwork but I am saying that our office space should also reflect of the
type of work that we do and our level of authority that we need to display while we are doing it. It is very appropriate to have a soft couch, throw pillows and a lit candle when you are a therapist. But this may not be the laid back comfortable atmosphere that you may want to display if you are the
human resource director and responsible for firing others. Your atmosphere should definitely reflect your professional role. In most cases you don’t want an atmosphere so comfortable that it opens the opportunity for people to relax and get comfortable and over stay their welcome. You also don’t want a atmosphere that caters to the needy people on your team that gets an
uncontrollable desire to open up about their relationship problems as soon as they see your tan and green oriental rug. In fewer cases, having a warm and inviting office can also add to your personality when you are not a people person and others have complained that it is difficult to approach you. Or
final goal is to understand that you can use your office space to compensate for what you are lacking in your personality. If it is hard for you to be direct and approach others, stray away form a cozy, home like office. If others find it hard to approach you a relaxing warm space can give you the extra edge
that you need.

In closing, as we continue to grow and expand personally and
professionally we need to understand that the rules at work in most cases are very different from the rules at home. And to not be flexible and adjust your personality traits in each atmosphere can greatly contribute to personal self
sabotage.

Dr. Kimberly Ventus-Darks,
Author, International Speaker, Professional Business Consultant
President, The Dr. Kim Experience, LLC
www.drkimspeaks.com

Author's Bio: 

Dr. Kimberly Ventus-Darks is a highly sought after national and international motivator where she travels to 15 cities per month speaking on her own Dr. Kim’s tour to thousands each month. She is an advice columnist for magazines and newspapers throughout the country. Dr. Kim is the President of her own consulting business, The Dr. Kim Experience, LLC were she highly regarded for her profound level of wisdom and intuition. Being a professor at local universities where she teach students how to speak with power and confidence is also a great passion for her. She is a radio and television personality and she holds degrees in Social Work, Health Care Administration, Business Administration, with a Ph.D. in Interpersonal Communication and Administration with a Spiritual Emphasis.

Dr. Kim just got home from South Africa last summer were she spoke to nine different tribes.