Sex is important. Few of us appreciate just how important it really is. A linguistics professor recently came forward with a theory that language itself was initially invented with the primary purpose of giving us a way of alluding to sex. Indeed language was only used to communicate ideas such as art and science as recently as 6,000 years ago. Before that, human verbal communication was exclusively penis boasts and vagina jokes. It’s widely thought that The Pyramids were simply built to give the earth a pair of tits, but after centuries of drunken men rubbing themselves against them they were filed down to the triangular prisms we know today (citation needed).

So here are five sexual positions for those of us who look upon our genitals in the same way owners of theme parks look upon their rides: get as many people through the door, let them ride until they scream, and then get the hell out of my life. Height restrictions apply. Actually they’re sexual positions for people who don’t care about one another, but I kept that sentence in because I think it’s hilarious.

Before I begin I should remind you all that foreplay is of course very importa… Sorry, I couldn’t type that with a straight face.
1. The Bear

How to do it: The man gets on top and brutally thrusts with the compassionate rhythm of a sewing machine (Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum!) and then swap positions. This position should really exercise her… what’s it called? The flappy bit, thingmy. That bit. Afterwards reward your athleticism with a nice long snooze (for four months until the thaw).

For extra thrills: eat a raw salmon beforehand.
2. The Stare-’em Out.

Many couples report that they enjoy ‘the missionary’ mostly due to the sense of intimacy involved and the fact it’s a position that involves facing your lover and making eye contact. The ‘Stare-’Em Out’ takes this into account. They want eye contact? Give them all the eye contact they can handle baby! Literally never break your gaze with them; don’t blink, don’t look away, just stare them out. It is extremely rewarding. (NB: Your experience may differ)

For extra thrills: do the stare-out but choose an emotion, any emotion – hatred, fear, envy, worried, sleepy – and channel it throughout. Any emotion will do as long as it isn’t love.
3. The War of Attrition

A somewhat more male specific one here but again it is both cruel and unusual so I’ve included it. Ah the War of Attrition (also known as Passchendaele). It is hilarious and morally reprehensible. Basically once you’ve, ahem, done the deed, instead of vacating the premises, just stay. Don’t leave. Just stay in there. Take in the view. Smell the flowers. She will eventually ask what the hell you’re doing and what time it is you plan to fuck off. At that point all I have to offer is luck. I promised you a war of attrition, not a victory.

For extra thrills: count down from 100 out loud and insist it’s “for a noble cause” and then stare off into the distance.
4. The Reservoir Dog

AKA The Memento, The Pulp Fiction, or basically any film with a non-linear narrative. Tackle this position like regular sex but do nothing in the right order. Seriously, go abstract. At the mid-point of foreplay, go in for a hug; climax during the first kiss with tongues; fall asleep three times at random points; go for a toilet break. Now I should warn you that neither of you will enjoy this but, on the other hand, if you’re spiteful enough to engage in hate-sex you’re probably not above enduring a minor friction burn to spite someone. And God bless you for it.
5. The Prestige

Many women speak of wishing sex to be both romantic and magical. And on MTV’s cribs they frequently describe bedrooms as “where the magic happens” so let’s do it. Wait until the last moment possible moment, shout “Taaaaa-daaaah!!” before asking “Was this your card?” and pulling a four of clubs out of your arse. If she doesn’t clap at this point you should.

For extra thrills: Using a friend or accomplice, orchestrate the release of several doves from your wardrobe at the end as well. Then have your friend shout “How did I get here!?” and then shrug before leaving.

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