Do you feel like you are drifting along in your marriage?
Do you lack excitement or fulfilment in your relationship?
Do you sometimes wonder why you are still married?

As mentioned last week there are four elements that help build and support a shared meaning, all of which should be established and then built on over time. Read through each element and answer the questions after each section, making note of any thoughts that pop up you want to share with your lover.

Four Elements That Build a Shared Meaning and Purpose

Couple Counselling Tip 1. Rituals of Connection
Couple Counseling Tip 2. Shared Views
Couple Counseling Tip 3. Shared Goals and Dreams
Couple Counseling Tip 4. Shared Values

For tip 1 and 2 see previous article

Couple Counseling Tip 3. Shared Goals and Dreams

Part of what creates a meaningful life are the goals that we strive to achieve. Many of us wouldn’t be where we are today without setting goals and going for it. Without a direction we become aimless, lifeless even. Imagine a ship in the ocean that has no route to follow, directionless, it will float aimlessly and get nowhere. Marriages are the same. The goal of a relationship is not to get married and that’s it. As with any area of life whether that be work, fitness or hobbies, having the next goal in mind ensures your progression, sense of purpose and prevents you from stagnating. Your marriage should be no different – you need positive goals for your shared time together.

Too often we don’t talk about our deepest desires and sometimes we haven’t even asked ourselves about what we want for our relationship, as we’re too busy with life to notice. When we start to explore and define our shared goals we increase intimacy, meaning and purpose. When united by a goal, we can let arguments and differences go more easily.

What are some of your short-term and long-term goals for your marriage? List them and create some more joint ones.

Couple Counseling Tip 4. Shared Values

Like with shared views, having shared values also help marriages flourish.

Ask yourself these questions:
What do you value most about being a part of the family you belong to?
What family stories do you consider with pride?
What does home mean to you?
What activities or objects symbolize a meaningful and well-lived life to you?
What symbols or objects demonstrate who you are in the world?

Analyse what you and your spouse value most by answering these questions and list anything that comes up that matters to you most in life.

Now Create Your Shared Meaning

In my time supporting couples to develop a fresher mindset towards their respective marriage, I have heard many different rituals, views, goals and values because every couple has their own story. Here are some shared meanings from previous couples I’ve worked with:

“to heal and have a peaceful existence” (after a difficult previous relationship and childhood)
“to create a family filled with laughter & love”
“to enjoy life to the max: travel, explore, adventure and excitement”
“to step into parents footsteps and care for the whole family and business”
“to give our children the best education and watch them flourish together”
“to have our dream home on the beach and retire (early) in luxury”
“to live God’s mission together, wherever that may lead us”
“to set up our own business and leave a legacy”

Above all, it’s important throughout your journey to remember one thing: this is your journey. I have offered examples of other couples shared meaning to show that every couple is different.

Share your dreams with your partner and list your one-, five- and ten-year goals and come up with some ideas for a shared meaning that is personal to you and your partner.


Happy couples create a family culture that includes both of their dreams. In being open to each other’s perspectives and opinions you become more receptive to each other which naturally brings you together as a happier couple with an aligned future to get you through tough times.

These four elements: rituals of connection, shared views, shared goals and shared values are what constitute a shared meaning. Your shared meaning may evolve over the coming years and it’s important to stay connected and support each other when life changes occur. Always remember that discussion is key here and you should agree on any significant life changes you make before moving forwards.

From my heart to yours, Nicola

Marriage Transformation Specialist and Founder of the Save My Marriage Program
Contact or find out more about me at

P.S If you are wondering what the save my marriage program is let me explain…

The Save My Marriage Program is a relationship strengthening program designed as an alternative to marriage counselling. Recent case studies show that it’s twice as likely to successfully save and restore a marriage than traditional counselling. The program works well for those who set out to transform their marriage on their own, as well as for couples. It covers how to increase love, respect and trust, improve communication and connection, as well as help you individually to let go of past hurt, resentment or negativity.

It is available as a 10 week online course with full support from me, 1 to 1 online or in person consulting and in 5 star marriage retreats.

To see if the program could be a fit for you – Book your FREE – SAVE MY MARRIAGE CONSULTATION now

10 Essential Keys to Avoid Divorce & Transform your Marriage Here

Author's Bio: 

Nicola Beer is an International Relationship & Divorce Coach who helps her clients find peace and create a new beginning after Marriage Breakdown and Divorce. This includes helping couples on the verge of a breakup to resolve their relationship issues once and for all so that they can revive the love, passion, respect, and fun that's been missing.

As well as helping clients during and after Divorce to manage stress, create more income and adjust to new financial realities, redefine who they are, create a new social life, and when they are ready to attract someone great. Nicola also runs 2 parenting programs that support children through and after divorce

Nicola has combined 11 years' experience helping people with emotional issues. This comprises 7 years private coaching and 4 years as a volunteer for the Samaritans where she supported callers dealing with any emotional distress. She is UK certified in Coaching, Grief Recovery for Adults and Children, NLP, Time Line Therapy, Hypnosis.

Nicola's passion for supporting people before, during and after divorce comes from her own childhood, where due to the stress of divorce her mother suffered a mental breakdown. As 1 of 5 children the divorce was devastating for her family and affected each of her family in different ways. More recently Nicola's older sister with 4 children is going through a difficult divorce. Having experienced and seen the pain and stress associated with divorce Nicola is focused on proving solutions. She knows divorce doesn't have to mean disaster and takes her clients and their children from surviving to thriving. She is equally passionate about saving marriages, so has a program to overcome relationship problems.

Nicola works with expats and locals, Muslims and Non-Muslims from all over the world, mainly from Dubai, London, India, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, either in person for a 2 day intensive package or further afield US, Australia via video conference and phone.