3 Tips to Thriving after Divorce

Life after divorce can be a challenge. Wait...let me restate that...life can be a challenge. Divorce can make the challenges feel insurmountable. At least it did for me.

I fell madly in love at 19 and spent the next 18 years building a life with my soul mate. We created a life that appeared, from the outside, to be everything a happy couple would want. The problem was that it turned out I didn't want it. Truthfully, I didn't know what it was that I wanted. I only knew that I had this nagging feeling that there had to be something more. My life was unfulfilling and I found myself desperately unhappy. After doing everything we both could think of to "fix" it, ultimately we decided to divorce.

After that, my goal became simply to survive. Survive the financial devastation. Survive the dating scene. Survive the holidays and anniversaries alone. Survive the endless sleepless nights and emotional days. It seemed as though "THE DIVORCE" consumed all of my energy and left me directionless. The dreams I had of having a forever family were gone. The grief I had over the loss was deeper than anything I could have imagined. And the shame I felt was almost unbearable. Even writing about it now brings back those feelings of hopelessness.

Knowing that I had to find a way out of the despair, I set out to find some relief. One of the most helpful things I found was coaching. Ultimately I learned not only how to survive with less pain, but also how to thrive. I now live a life I love and spend my time looking to the future rather than wallowing in the past. If you are struggling with moving on after a divorce, here are a few tips to get you started:

1. Build your support team

We all need people in our lives who understand what we are going through and can help us along our path. Whether they listen to us vent about the same frustrations over and over, or show up with a bottle (or 2) of wine and cry with us, or stand us up straight and remind us of our awesomeness, they are all invaluable parts of the healing. Knowing who you can lean on gives you some room to spread your wings and know that you will have a safe place to land.

2. Observe your thoughts

It's been said, "Don't believe everything you think" and that is certainly true when going through a divorce. Our gremlins pop up often to remind us of what we have lost, how we have suffered and what awful things we've endured. It's very easy to fall into a place of self-pity and wind up feeling like a victim. This is where it can be extremely helpful to STOP, take a few deep breaths and listen to the messages that are running through your mind. Examine the usefulness of those thoughts and see if you can find others that may serve you better. (Working with a coach is super helpful with this!)

3. Start creating NEW dreams

One of the biggest things we experience after divorce is the loss of the dreams we had with our ex. Many people simply substitute another partner into their life and try and fulfill those dreams with the new person. Generally this only leads to a repeat of the same relationship they just left, ending unfortunately with a similar outcome. Truly thriving after a split requires finding your truest self and honoring your own deepest dreams and desires. This is not the easiest path, but it is ultimately the most fulfilling and creates the greatest opportunity for true joy. What did you like to do when you were a kid? What did you want to be when you grew up? What dreams did you put on the shelf in order to focus on your marriage? Journaling about those questions may help you discover a passion that has been dormant for a while.

Many people will tell you that only time will heal your pain. While it's true that time can ease things a bit, there ARE things you can do to help you create the life you REALLY want. Don't settle for surviving, when you can choose to THRIVE. It is possible and you are worth it.