In this post I’ve compiled a list of 10 surprising questions to ask your partner as a way to help you build emotional intimacy.

One of the most important aspects of an intimate relationship that makes it thrive is when both partners really know each other and each partner gets the feeling that “you really know me.”

After working with couples in my practice, I’ve found that it is important to be understood and not just at a superficial level.

One of the best and direct ways to do this is to ask questions, even the kinds of questions that most couples in long-term relationships don’t ask. I have literally seen couples that get into the habit of consistently asking questions transform their relationship.

Here are 10 surprising questions to ask your partner to build emotional intimacy in your relationship.

When did you know I was the one?

This question like all the questions is good because you get to know something about what your partner values. This is a fun question because it is always good for you to know what were the qualities or attributes you possess or what were you guys doing when your partner really discovered that you were the person he or she wanted to be with for the long-term. It’s also good for the partner to remember those positive experiences.

What is your secret sex fantasy that you would be afraid to tell me?

One thing that is for sure is that risk creates passion. One of the reasons why people have passion at the beginning of relationships is that everything is so new and exciting.

Asking your partner to tell you something that typically he or she would be too afraid to tell is always a good direction to take in a dialogue because you are creating some element of risk and you’re also allowing your partner to say something that typically your partner would not.

Asking specifically for a sex fantasy is even double (or more than double) the pleasure.

Not only is the question going to create an opportunity for your partner to express what he or she wants but it is also an opportunity for both of you to experience different and deeper sexual pleasure.

Increased self-expression and expanding the possible sexual experiences are definitely major relationship enhancers.

How do you think a past partner would describe you?

This is a great question because your partner has a chance to contemplate and accept or reveal something about himself or herself.

For most people, that would be a very satisfying question to answer because it really puts the focus on that person. It’s also revealing to both your partner as well as yourself.

Besides cheating on you, what would be a deal breaker if I were to do this thing in our relationship?

This question is an important question because it gives you some very good information about what not to do or say. Like the other questions, it also gives you partner a chance to know himself or herself better as well as to set a boundary. This is obviously important information.

When we were dating, was there a time that you had second thoughts and why?

I love questions where it involves putting one’s ego on the shelf so that you can really allow your partner to be honest. I find the best relationships are those where nothing is secret. I love transparency and to be able to accept and explore ambivalence of your partner is very healthy that leads to a deeper conversation and ultimately a deeper relationship.

If you could do your life all over again, what would you do as a career?

This is a question that’s all about discovering things about your partner.

This is the kind of information that often is either kept to oneself or the person isn’t even aware. By asking the question, you’re allowing the person to get more in touch with his or her own soul and to reveal something important and noteworthy to you.

What is your most favorite memory of us?

This question can lead to a shift to positive feelings between a couple and can also be a learning experience. Finding out what the favorite memory is of your partner can definitely lead you to think about creating more similar kinds of memories.

What Was The Last Thing I Did For You That You Really Enjoyed? (sexual or not) Or, what do you wish I would do for you that I haven’t done before?

These are two different questions but are similar in that you want to find out about what really turns your partner on and that could be inside or outside the bedroom.

Your partner will love that you asked this question and will feel like he or she really matters to you.

What was the most romantic experience you’ve ever had (and it doesn’t have to be with me?)

This is another question that really gives you the opportunity to learn about what your partner’s likes and wants. The words in the parentheses make this a bold question and I like to include those words in it because you want to really find out about your partner.

Again, put your ego on the shelf and make your intention to be curious and inquisitive about your partner’s inner world, preferences and desires.

What is the most comfortable way for you to share a problem or issue with me?

What I like about this question is that it allows for intimate partners to bring up difficult or challenging issues and it creates a sense of safety between the two of you.

This also builds emotional intimacy. Risk builds emotional intimacy and safety builds emotional intimacy.

This question focuses on the safety part of it. It might seem contradictory but it is true that healthy relationships require both safety/security as well as risk and adventure.

I chose these 10 questions because I really do like them.

And, there are literally dozens of other questions if not more that you can ask your partner. The most important element of asking questions is to find your innate curiosity.

Take some chances with these questions and make knowing your partner in a deeper way more important than your ego. This is what fuels connection and deep connection leads to so many benefits in intimate relationships.

Author's Bio: 

Mr. Creager is educated and trained as a Marriage and Sex Therapist and spends much of his time helping partners in long-term relationships learn how to create passionate, alive and nourishing interactions. He provides unique and powerful insights that lead to powerful breakthroughs which result in his clients getting closer to realizing their full potential.

He founded his practice in 1982 in Tustin CA, and has since helped thousands of individuals and couples learn how to bring the best out of others to achieve their goals. The biggest joy in his career is witnessing clients increase their capacity to receive more from life as well as others.

He has developed the gift of helping couples and individuals move past their resistance to have the relationships and love they crave. His specialties include helping couples heal from infidelity, helping couples rekindle passion and helping individuals break free from their earlier toxic relationships and dysfunctional families. He does this in a variety ways including specialized programs that are powerful and effective as well as seminars, workshops, speaking and informational products.

Todd’s practice in Huntington Beach, CA has been helping couples and individuals all around Orange County including Long Beach, Newport Coast, Irvine, Corona del Mar and Seal Beach – for over 30 years!