***How to help children learn to share

Most children are not sharers naturally. They do not come into the world ready, willing and able to share. There are those wonderful, rare exceptions (My own twin sons are an example. But then they started out sharing a womb so maybe that contributed to the idea of sharing.)

Children are born with some psychological genetic instructions that they experience as an urge to behave. Children are driven to meet their needs for safety, love, power, fun and freedom. Everything a child does from birth until death is an attempt to meet one of more of these needs. Learning the skill and value of sharing enables children to successfully and responsibly meet their need for love, belonging and connecting. This is just one of many behaviors that enhance and enable children to successfully, responsibly and respectfully meet one of their genetic needs; the need for love and belonging.

(By the way, these needs do not have an expiration date. That means that adults and parents are also driven to meet their needs for safety, love, power, fun and freedom.)
Part of children’s normal development means that they experience cooperative stages, when love and fun, the cooperative needs, are driving the child’s behavior more strongly, This is followed by competitive stages when power and freedom are driving the child’s behavior more strongly. These stages alternate allowing a child an opportunity to learn to meet all of his needs successfully.

Have you even wondered why the very same child has days when she seems willing and able to share sometimes and other days when he won’t even share a hug? When a child is in a cooperative phase he is much more willing and interested in getting along, making friends and sharing. When a child is in a competitive phase she wants to win, wants her own way and is more likely to say No, that’s mine. She can’t have it.

The biggest tip I can share with parents is to encourage them to teach their child to share when their child is in a cooperative phase of development, not during the competitive. Why? Because a child is more interested in getting along, connecting, and having fun with you when they are in this phase. Parents can still expect and ask their child to share during a competitive phase. But a child is less interested in going along and learning from you during their competitive phases. It is best for parents to avoid teaching a child sharing, a cooperative skill during this time however.

Ways to teach child to share?

• Model sharing yourself. Share with your child, share with a friend, share with your spouse. Share your food, your ideas, your smiles and your feelings. Tell your child what you are doing and why you are doing it. “I like Aunt Susan and want her to taste how good my ice cream is.” “I want to share how I feel right now. I love you.”

• Tell or read stories about people who share with one another. Then talk about sharing, what it is and why it’s important. Goldilocks and the Three Bears is a story where the bears unwittingly shared their chairs, their porridge and their beds. Telling or reading the story and then discussing how the bears felt about sharing could help children begin to make sense of this skill and value.

• When you see children arguing over a toy, teach them how to resolve their problem by sharing. Mary and Jonny it looks like you both want to play with that toy. We need to figure out a plan so you both get to play with the toy without hurting each other or the toy. Do you have any ideas? Ultimately you want to lead them to the alternative of taking turns, playing with the toy together, or finding another toy of equal value (that doesn’t exist in the minds of children) and allowing them to each play with their respective toy for a timed period then switching.

• Play a game where sharing is part of the fun! Parents can either make one up or go in search. Having fun while teaching the value and skill of sharing is a powerful.