The REALationship Between Desire And Expectation

I am often asked why so many people experience less than desirable results in their manifestation practices. Recently, I received an email from a “passive” community member – meaning someone who follows what we are doing, listens to audios, reads articles, and on occasion emails comments, but one who does not actually participate actively in any of my programs.

Two paragraphs in, I got the distinct feeling that, based on the permanent nature of what and how they were describing their life (which they did not like and blamed on external causes) that they were quite committed to staying the same  - a victim in a reality that they have actively helped to create. I recognized myself in the email and it was quite self revealing.

Just give thought to a recurring theme where you tend to blame another person or events from the past on "why" you are unhappy or stuck. We all have old patterns that get triggered - ones we can free ourselves of when we take responsibility for our own shift and get REAL with the relationship between our desires and our expectations.

How Does Your Script Read?

Plain and simple, if we script our lives to be a certain way (this is who I am and what my life looks like and these are all of the reasons why) and we believe we know all of the reasons and people who are to blame for our current reality, we can find ourselves in a space of feeling hopeless and out of control. This makes sense of course, since we believe that most, if not everything and everyone outside of ourselves is to blame for our current state of existence.

Although the email triggered an internal realization within myself, and as sad as the story was, I knew that one of the most significant causes of the miserable picture of this person’s ever-unchanging life was that every single detail was EXPECTED. In their mind, none of it had anything to do with what they were doing, not doing, thinking or not thinking.

Any time we find ourselves placing blame and immediately jump into victim mode, keep in mind that this is a place where new and desirable creation does not occur. Instead without us realizing it we are actually fostering the re-creation of the status quo.

A few infamous paraphrased quotes came to mind…

“Most people prefer the certainty of misery over the misery of uncertainty.” (Virginia Satir)

Translation: My life sucks but at least I wake up with that certainty everyday as opposed to dealing with the paralyzing fear of change and the dreaded unknown!

And, “Where ever you go, there you will be.”

Translation: The common denominator or theme in all aspects of my story is me.

And, finally, “Change your mind, change your life.”

Translation: If you change your internal reality, the outward will follow.

This led me, as it should have, to a reflection of something in my own life that I have been complaining about – a lot.

You see although my desire says one thing, my expectation says something completely different.

My expectation is more aligned with the undesirable, so I continue to create the undesirable.

Let me share an example or two. Let’s say you desire to “attract” your most compatible soul mate. But, what you expect is to be lonely forever, or get hurt, or end up in the same old pattern, or, or, or.

The desire is in direct conflict with your expectation and the conflict actually results in both messages being communicated—essentially as requests—and, unfortunately, expectation is usually the victor in the internal battleground we call our mind because the emotional energy of our conviction (in our expectation) is much stronger than the emotional energy of our desire.

Here’s another example. Let’s say you desire financial prosperity and abundance in your business and life but you EXPECT that;

• you will have to work extra hard to market and increase sales (and you hate doing this or are bad at it, or don’t know how),
• you will lose your freedom in terms of time,
• you will have to make sacrifices that are undesirable
• it will only be temporary and soon you will find yourself in the same mess – again, and
• miracles only happen to other people

Which will ultimately win – Desire or Expectation?

More often then not, expectation wins. Even if the manifestation of the desire occurs, because the expectation clouds everything you see and experience, odds are you won’t even recognize the manifestation when it occurs because it is so different from your picture or expectation.

I recall a few years ago my husband and I booked a cruise right in the middle of hurricane season. We actually did this on purpose because the fees are less and because we knew that we might have a little extra adventure if the itinerary changed and we ended up visiting different ports of call.

When we arrived at the port, we were handed the first of about four revised itineraries. Considering the number of hurricanes and tropical storms that were actively dancing about in the Caribbean and the Gulf of Mexico, we had expected that this might happen and were actually looking forward to going with the flow and joyfully go wherever the Universe took us. We expected it to change and we expected that were ever we ended up we would have fun.

You would think most people KNEW they were booking a cruise during the worst time of year and therefore would not be surprised at the changes (duh, people!). However, an interesting thing began to happen as folks were checking in. People were pissed. All around, eyes rolled, people began complaining; a few breaking into full blown temper tantrums.

Then, they began enlisting people in their misery. Day by day, more and more people could be overheard complaining. They made up their minds that they had been ripped off and that the cruise would suck.

Top it off with incredibly rough seas and the collective consciousness quickly translated into a mass onslaught of sea sickness with at least 90% of the people onboard displaying anti-sea sickness patches and pressure point bracelets.

The level of misery grew to disappointing proportions. Every time we turned around someone was sharing their angry complaints…

“Can you believe…?”

“Well this sucks doesn’t it?”

“What a waste of money…”

Each and every time, my husband and I would respond with one simple statement… “We thought it would be fun to book a cruise during hurricane season, knowing that the itinerary would likely change and figured it would be an adventure.”

At some point, after irate vacationer number 100, I became a little more direct and would say, “Well, I am sure you knew that booking a cruise during hurricane season (duh) would mean a lot of potential changes in our itinerary…isn’t it fun?”

Unfortunately, for most, it wasn’t. Interestingly enough, other than the rough seas, our Captain redirected our route in such a way that we had the most beautiful weather for the entire ten days. We ended up at completely different ports of call than had been initially planned and had the time of our life.

But, quite honestly, the majority of the people we met were more committed to staying pissed off and angry and I imagine they shared their dismay in their story telling hundreds of times since.

Their expectation was, and my guess always was, one of disappointment and misery. And by golly, they got it.

So, the long and short of it is; if your desire and expectation do not match, take responsibility for your own shift…

Shift your expectation to match your desire and everything changes. Think about it. We all have our miraculous manifestation stories. If conscious, we see, 100% of the time, the role we play in the creation of our reality. We observe the inner conflict, dance our dance and shift ourselves all the time.

Like the other night when I desired to come home after a family gathering and have some alone time with my husband and daughters.

But, I expected to come home and have our house guest waiting for us and never vacate the living room until we went to bed. I expected to come home and not be able to have an intimate dialogue with my husband because I expected to have a third person present in the room.

And…I got exactly what I expected...

Honestly, my annoyance began hours before we came home. I was annoyed at the picture I was constructing. I was annoyed at myself, my husband, and my houseguest before I had reason. I was annoyed at my prediction – my expectation – and the accuracy of it.

And, I was annoyed that I was feeling so “bitchy” on the inside and I knew that if I wanted my desire to come true I would have to say and do something (that I perceived as uncomfortable and selfish) in order to create that reality.

The fact of the matter is that the underlying annoyance and negative expectation, of course, acts as a magnifier of the undesirable. 

My behavior - aloof and somewhat dismissive – only made the situation worse. I never stated my desire and therefore instead, created the expectation.

The next day, after a night of rest, I meditated on the relationship between desire and expectation and took 100% responsibility for my shift. I chose every feeling and behavior I experienced and unfortunately, so did everyone else!

Bottom line is, if I clearly communicate my desire (as opposed to wanting everyone to be a mind reader) I will consistently create opportunities to welcome it in…but my expectation HAS to be in alignment and I HAVE to consistently think, envision, feel, behave and communicate in alignment with what I want to create.

Like, for example, when I recently had an opportunity to bid on a contract, I examined some of my non-serving expectations about a loss of freedom and systematically shifted myself to be aligned with the expectation that I would;

1. Get the contract
2. Enjoy the work
3. Get paid well for doing so
4. Receive immediate positive feedback
5. Receive subsequent opportunities
6. Enjoy more income that would free me up to write my book

So, here is a quick exercise to uncover the opportunities to bring yourself into full alignment with your desires.

1. Write down your desire/s
2. Now, write down all of your positive (expansive and generative) and negative expectations (a.k.a. fears and underlying beliefs)
3. With honesty and courage, identify the conflicts between your desire and your expectations.
4. NEVER look outside yourself for people or circumstances to blame, less give away your power to influence change
5. Decide to bring yourself into alignment and choose the ways you will do so
6. Re-script your expectations and do whatever works to stay on script (meditate, visualize, use affirmations, share and communicate, ask your coach to help you hold yourself accountable to your commitments, treasure map, and be aware of your thoughts and words that are contrary to your desired creation)
7. Act –take responsibility for your own shift by engaging in the thinking and behaviors that are aligned with the co-creation of the desire and be conscious of non-serving, habitual thoughts and behaviors
8. Accept that your beliefs have a causal effect in every aspect of your life
9. Be grateful for everything (even the awareness of the undesirable empowers us to learn, evolve and grow if we so choose)

And, if you are unwilling to take responsibility for your own shift, please acknowledge that on some level, you are committed to staying the same, seeing the same and experiencing the same.

Begin with this awareness and take responsibility (which is very different than taking the blame or creating shame and self deprecation) for something in the recipe of your co-creation and you will be taking a powerful first step.

And, last but not least, take one additional step - quit complaining and sharing your story with everyone so you don’t story it into permanence. Be conscious and stop recruiting partners that support (and even cheerlead) you in being a victim to your own non-serving beliefs, habits and expectations.

Instead, reach out to folks and begin with - "I would like to share something in the hopes that you can partner with me in shifting my perspective because how I am looking at things isn't working out so well."

Have fun taking responsibility for your own shift!

Copyright © 2007 Anita Pathik Law all rights reserved.

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